Puzzle Pieces of the SELF

The information shared in this month’s blog may trigger deep emotions and past traumas.  Before reading, please find a quiet place without time constraints so that you can give yourself a chance to process.  I ask you to read with an open mind as well as an open heart.  Thank you!

Hello Dear Ones,

Many shifts are taking place.  Our world seems to change on a minute-to-minute basis.  We, our-Selves, are changing on a moment-to-moment basis.  What we, as a collective consciousness, are experiencing is our evolution.

Now I hope this doesn’t sound too preachy.  Over the years, I’ve observed how some spiritual people, even ‘evolved’ spiritual people tend to like the spotlight and the sound of their voice more than the actual message they deliver.  Please keep in mind I do not intend this to be my ego-moment.  I give you full permission to take out your B.S.-O-Meter and internally roll your third eye, just as long as you read my words with your opinions carefully unloaded, placed on the shelf, and your heart in an open position.   

Thank you.  You may now continue…

I decided to share some very personal information this month that I typically do not share in general conversation.  My decision has to do with the evolution of who I am.  It’s not just my-Self, but for my business as well.  Whenever I see my-Self change, it directly affects my business and the people around me.  This is always how it’s been, which makes sense.  If you change the way you think, feel, act, and your own life perspectives, it changes your frequency as an individual.  This in turn can either draw people to you, or repel them.  

I am prepared for both, so we’ll see how this unfolds…

For me, this year has been a year of triggers and old energies that needed to be released.  Perhaps you’ve felt them too?  This year has allowed me to deep-dive into my own observations and thought processes of my very being.  My journey has taken a detour, descending much deeper than I ever have before.  My shadow-Self has made its presence known, and it’s time to revisit it again.  It’s made me feel vulnerable, uncomfortable and messy, and like pulling teeth, it’s made me talk about feelings I don’t necessarily discuss with just anyone.  So, why not disclose my story in a blog for countless numbers of people? (Sarcasm) Sure, why not?! (…with a side of sarcasm).

Honestly, my inner-compass has spun like a color wheel, trying to upload a page without success.  At the same time, the nudges I’ve received from my heart, well…I am starting to trust them more and more over the years.  They’ve brought me to this point in time where I feel, “Okay, maybe it is time to share,” starting with you, my Universal Touch family.  

In Shamanism, there’s a method of journeying called, “Soul retrieval.”  What this is, is to explore the multidimensional realms in search of all of the pieces of the Self that broke off due to traumatic experiences.  The Shaman, collects as many pieces as are found and energetically gifts them back to the individual, sealing them in a state of wholeness once again.  It’s like finding missing puzzle-pieces inside the cushions of your couch, and finally finishing the puzzle on the table…except a bit more emotionally abrasive.

This process of re-uniting as a whole can be taxing because there are reasons why these pieces of the Self broke off in the first place.  To integrate with them, once again, would mean to potentially remember the traumas and ultimately cope with these parts of your-Self you wanted to forget.

Like many in our present moment, I am experiencing a version of soul retrieval, especially since the identity theft I had this past March. 

My memories of sexual predators and experiences, victimhood, as well as all the heaviness of abusive friendships, relationships, and my own sexuality have played on an incessant loop.  This includes times where I myself used all the shadow tactics of abuse, manipulation and control.  I am not perfect nor innocent, and I refuse to be painted as such.  I think it’s important to see our-Selves in all the spectrums of light and shadow that we are, in order to fully understand and heal.  

All-in-all, this identity theft forced me to revisit my childhood timeline and all the times I didn’t want to be me.  

The younger version of Lesley was self-loathing.  Oftentimes, I thought I was too weird, and nerdy or odd-looking, and didn’t fit in.  I never received the instructional manual explaining what it was to be me; I didn’t get me at all.  And I had the hardest time finding the language to properly express my heart.  I didn’t know how.  And the emotional pain and insecurities I felt ran so deeply, all I could do was live each day, one at a time.

Mind you, all days were not horrible.  I had so many beautiful and fun experiences too.  In fact, as time passes, and the more I heal, I remember more and more of the good times.  But back then, when I had panic attacks, my memories fogged and pulled me instantly back to my shadow Self.  I was vacuumed into the darkest parts of my head where I was too exhausted to pull my-Self out.

It’s strange because with the few people I did share about my panic attacks, no one asked me why I thought I got them.  My reason?  Cause and effect.  It happens with every action initiated.

One of the reasons, occurred when I was three years old.  A loved one and I frequently visited a neighbor’s house to play with their son.  This particular house hosted many children’s activities and we found ourselves over there to play often.

Let’s pause for a moment…  

Wouldn’t you say we, as a people, assume a lot?  

When people have titles, we definitely assume a lot.

…a doctor

…a neighbor 

…a practitioner

…a teacher

…in many instances, titles can cloud our judgment because we’re taught at a very young age to trust older people with titles.  Add ‘predator’ to these titles and you have a completely different idea of who these individuals are.

One of our neighbors, a military husband/father, took advantage of us and numerous children, including his own.  This neighbor was discharged from the military years later due to his sexual misconduct, and subsequently he and his family moved away.  

Though my memory couldn’t serve me, my body recorded traumatic messages from being at this house.  Whether or not I was sexually abused, the fact is I was there as it happened to others, and this instilled tremendous identity issues that would unravel in future connections.  

I was too young to understand this and I definitely didn’t have the communication skills to express what I felt.  It wouldn’t be until years later that I showed symptoms.  The puzzle pieces of my PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) presented themselves in elementary and middle school where I had to nurse migraine headaches with self-hypnosis cassette tapes and nature sounds.  In high school, it progressed to overwhelming panic attacks, which I did my best to hide behind closed doors.  I feared a fear I couldn’t explain and I chose not to involve my closest circle in this secret.  These panic attacks continued to haunt me until my late twenties/early thirties until I finally decided to do something about them.  

Many therapies helped me to process and develop communication with my feelings, but sound healing was the big answer for me in how to heal.  

When I played my crystal singing bowls, they instantly neutralized the power behind each panic attack and over time, I couldn’t remember how I got them to begin with.  It taught me a lot about trauma, energy and frequency.

Cause and effect.

It’s fascinating what trauma like that can do.  Perhaps that’s how I easily embraced topics about the metaphysical, paranormal, ghosts, and all the mysteries of the unknown.  When you don’t want to be in your body, you have to go somewhere.  My traumatic experiences somehow opened a portal where I could escape and just be. 

I wonder if others with traumatic experiences ever have similar effects, or inherit a case-of-the-clairs (clair-voyance, clair-sentience, etc) by default.  I wouldn’t doubt it at all.  This just so happened to be my side-effect and how my body coped.

I had countless experiences that confirmed every time, how our world is far from what it appears to be. 

Back then, I found my-Self repeatedly shooting across the universe to other planets and worlds from a resting state.  I could astrally travel out of my body during my days in high school and college.  Stories from my friends at the time confirmed that my travels were genuine.  It wasn’t something I could do on demand, but when it happened, I always welcomed it.  I did’t know exactly what was happening, or what I was doing, I just knew it felt like a release.  I absolutely loved the feel of experiencing without the limitations of being in the body.  The body was so dense and heavy.  

I also saw things that people typically didn’t see.  

One afternoon before a nap, I felt that all too familiar vibration begin in my scalp.  A lightness swept over me and I floated out of my body like an exhalation.  I remembered looking down at myself, in awe.  Then this being with a cupid-like head, framed with little wings showed up…seriously, it was just a head and wings, nothing else…flew towards me, wanting to kiss my cheek.  Yes, this was odd, but I was okay with it.     

Along with astral traveling, I also experienced a great deal of paranormal activities.  In high school, one day I came home to find my heart-shaped musical box playing on its own in my bedroom.  The problem was, it wasn’t supposed to play unless the lid was opened.  This musical box decided to play regardless, and it wasn’t the first time.  In many instances, it occurred when I was the sole audience.  This particular day, I had enough because it gave me the creeps, so I ran to my mom in the kitchen.

I whined, “Mom, my music box is playing on its own again!”  

Her response?  “Tell it to stop!”

I slowly crept back to my room, paused, and peaked in through the door.  The music was still playing.  I walked in and with all my might yelled, “Stop playing, you’re scaring me!”  Believe it or not, that thing stopped.  It didn’t play on its own after that.

I’d also see shadows in my room of entities I didn’t know.

One night, I woke up in bed and opened my eyes to a shadowy figure with a shadow outline of a hat, peering down at me.  I observed it as it observed me.  It didn’t do anything, just stood there.  I turned over and tucked myself in a little tighter under the covers.

Another day, when my sister barged into my room in the wee hours of the morning, I knew something had to be wrong.  She told me to go into her bedroom and look at her bed.  We both stood there as her bed shook and vibrated like it was in the middle of an earthquake.  Everything else in her room stood quiet while her bed made a terrible ruckus.  I jumped on it to see if it would stop.  My weight did nothing to subdue its lively animation.

I got off the bed and we were both at a loss.

Many other experiences happened in that house and other places I’ve lived.  Even to this day, I still have very strange experiences. 

Despite their bad rep, paranormal and all the clairs are very much real, and my intuition has become a very important tool in my life.  I use it in my business, especially when someone requests ‘energy balancing.’  It helps me in my day-to-day interactions with people, as I feel my way through the muck of mental loops and tactics in order to find the root of one’s challenge.  And on a personal level, my intuition has taught me over and over again, that when I don’t listen to my own body’s red-flag warnings, I will regret it.

If I could go back in time with the skills I have today…my life would have been very different.  When you develop your intuition, you develop discernment and that is such a vital skill to have, especially nowadays.  

I suppose it was my journey to understand this part of me later on in life.  I had to unlearn all the things I was conditioned to believe in order to truly understand me. 

Not to mention, it took someone with an exceedingly sinister purpose, using my personal and business identity, to realize, “Hey!  I make a better ‘Lesley Almer’ than they do!”  The reasons why I didn’t want to be me before, seemed to vanish when I saw my name and pictures with their words.  That, and to put it lightly, maybe my ego couldn’t stand the competition.  I got territorial.

And so, in a way that makes perfect sense to me, I’m actually grateful for this latest identity theft.  This doesn’t give them allowance for what they did, it just means I’ve come full circle in these lessons and I can confidently say, “I’m done.  It ends here!”  

It allowed me to forgive…my-Self AND them.

So after this lengthy monologue, which some of you may or may not have regrets reading…I proclaim that I choose to be here.  I embrace all the weird and unique parts of my-Self that make me different.  I claim the space of every cell that makes up my being.  I choose ME!  

And as for my journey, no matter how strange, paranormal-ish, and complicated it may be, I accept it!  Bring it on! 

Turning the Page,

Lesley ‘friggin’ Almer

Thank you for reading!